Filling an Empty Void

What?!? When?!? And whyyy?!?

What happened to the pain? When did you decide it was the right call to make? And why so soon?

I’m sure those are some of the main questions you’re asking right now.

Allow me to explain:

So what happened to my pain? 

It’s been with me for years, not just a couple of days. I have cried more than my heart could handle. When we drove him to our meeting location with the rescue, I couldn’t even speak. I was quiet just letting the tears roll off my face as I held him against my chest, as I loaded him in their carrier, and as I signed the relinquishment papers. And as soon as they drove away, my heart collapsed. I burst. I couldn’t control myself. My heart felt as if it was being clenched by someone and being ripped out. I couldn’t eat for over three days. I couldn’t even look at myself in the eyes in the mirror. I couldn’t sleep over one hour. I felt unworthy of life.

I slept even less without him here… I knew it was the right choice though. He needed a chance at a good life. A chance I knew was over with me. And my heart was at peace knowing I exhausted every option available to me… But it was that void that kept eating at my heart…

So how did the idea of getting a new puppy come about? 

My hubby. Yes, the one who lost countless of hours for days because of Gordo. The one who took more than humanly possible for the sake of seeing me smile. He was the one who has supported me for over five years in every single one of my decisions. The one who knows me better than I know myself.

And I trust him. I can’t trust myself, but I can believe in him wholeheartedly.

So why so soon?

Because my hubby was sure it was the perfect time. He knew I felt a void. He knew I didn’t know what to do with myself. So in the end, I trusted him to know best: as he always does.

So how do I feel now?

At peace, hopeful, and looking forward to proper training, to new beginings.

My first run had many limitations. I was a child. Literally. Trying to do a grownup job beacause my mom was always at work and didn’t want me to be in danger. And no, I hold no resentment. Once I had a job, I took care of all his bills. As soon I I got engaged, I investigated how to train him and began doing so. Once I lived on my own, we signed up for professional training. Once we moved, I kept taking care of him and trying to fix the years of mistakes from my youth.

Now, this is my second chance. I am an adult now. I am fully aware of the responsibilities. I understand the importance of training. I can be better. It is my chance to be proper pet mom. A proud mom.

As I begin this new chapter, I hope to continue sharing my experiences as our new puppy grows and meets Shinobii, our cat.


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