Sometimes being a good mom means knowing when to let go


A couple of weeks ago, I was feeling hopeful. I was under the impression that my dog could get better, all he needed was company… But then, we went back this weekend to my in-laws home, where he tried to crash into every single door by throwing the entire weight of his body against the door. He barked non-stop to the point of giving everyone migraines.

Meanwhile, Shinobii was stuck in the room with him hearing all of the chaos first hand. Yes, I tried to move her elsewhere, but she was too afraid, she just kept running back to the door of the room they’ve always stayed at. It’s the same room were she stayed when my hubby and I went on our honeymoon, so she’s very accustomed to it. They treated her like a queen, so every time she’s there, she expects nothing less than high quality massages.

Except this time, she spent most of her time with her ears folded backwards in annoyance and  frustration. It didn’t match mines though.

We were spending quality time with family. I wished nothing more than my dog could be next to us… But he couldn’t, because even though I’ve continued to try to train using the techniques I learned at Petco, he started launching himself to snap at any human or animal around him. The day before, we tried taking him to the groomers but my worst fears came to life. The groomers weren’t threatening him. They hadn’t even tried touching him. The human was holding a cookie. This is what usually gets someone on his good side. Feed him and he’s your friend… Or at least he used to be. …. And yet, he essentially got kicked out from Petco by the groomers because of his behavior. The woman wondered what happened since she saw records that he was trained there… and I’m sure in their eyes, it was just poor parenting. But it wasn’t. It isn’t any more.

I have blamed myself, hurt myself, and filled myself with the worst type of self hate because I blame myself for his behavior. I’ve reached a breaking point though. There’s nothing more I can do. I am out of money and options.

I can’t even begin to phantom how much money and emotional stress I’ve spent trying to make him better… Trying to keep him as part of my family. The money, pain, and sleepless nights… 

We have reached the end though. My body can’t handle it. My family can’t handle it. It’s simply too much. 

At this point, my dog only has a couple of hours left in our home. My husband hasn’t been able to sleep in 3 days for over one hour max, per night because my dog starts crying for no reason. And to be honest, neither have I…  My dog literally barks for no reason. My husband suffers from insomnia. He has been ignoring it for the past five months but to say it hasn’t affected our marriage would be a lie… He has done his  best. He has gone above and beyond what I ever expected. He has seen my pain, my tears, my frustration and tried to help me.
He’s tried to understand why I care so much. He has given him so many opportunities. He has tried training my dog himself. Only to fail. Only to see my dog ridicule us as he stares knowing the command but refusing to give in. We say “stay” he sits, and as soon as we turn, he’s already taken the first step, and once we turn towards him, he rushes to the spot where he used to be.

My dog is smart… But he cannot be trusted. He knows what he has to do. He just doesn’t care. It’s been seven months of daily training. It’s been over seven months of wondering what else I could be doing. It’s been seven months of no sleep at least twice a week. It’s been seven months of constantly giving out commands. It’s been seven months of trying to train with praise and rewards. It’s been seven months of not being to give him any love because he will misbehave minutes later. He will betray that love and breaking my heart. Over, over, and over again…

It’s been seven months of me picturing in my head dropping him off at the shelter… I knew the time would come. I knew there was a limit…. I kept pushing though, abusing myself, my husband, my daughter, and my family.

I can’t anymore though. I have to recognize that I am not who he needs. At this point, he needs a behaviral trainer, more vet visits/medicine, and someone who isn’t so attached as I am. 

My love has damaged him. Years of spoiled care. Years of lack of training. Years of ruining the carpet in my previous home. Years of saying no, only to kiss his nose second later. Years of allowing him to be alpha… And now, when I desperately need him to behave, to let me be alpha, he shows no improvement or desire to learn. He only keeps making it harder for me to help him, to keep him, to be his mom…

You would think that after picturing myself giving him up, my heart would stop hurting, my tears would stop falling, and that I would feel some type of peace… But I don’t. All I feel is sorrow. Failure. Dissapointment. For both of us. 

We are toxic. And as his mom, I need to accept that he will be better without me. But most importantly, I need to believe there is someone who can help him. Someone who can be that figure that I yearn to be. Someone who will love him (never as much as I do, but close enough).  

If you are reading this, try not to judge me. Don’t tell me I need to to try harder or more. I have tried everything to the point if being broke and collapsing in tears day after day… I don’t really expect anyone to understand. How can I hurt? How can I give up? How horrible of a mother am I? The worst. Trust me. I know. I know better than anyone can ever  tell me… 

I will take it though… In the hopes that he will be better… If it means, he will be happy… That is my duty as his mom. 

 

 

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