It’s not an analysis on diversity or anything of the sorts, so if you’re looking for such things, please feel free to ignore my minor rant for today. I just need to let this go. I need to let go of that expectation of feeling accomplished for graduating.
Yet, I can’t do it. Regardless of how sad this post may seem, I keep fighting to hold on to the passion and knowledge I have. I fear loosing the desire to learn. I fear that no one will give me an opportunity. I fear being part of the statistics. I fear a year from now being stuck in the same place, and for the sake of that fear I need to let this post be published. I need to let it be out in the open. I wrote this a couple of months ago and I just have to set it free.
Honestly, I have no idea what it’s actually supposed to look like. I have no reference of what it is I’m supposed to do. So here I am, one week after graduation, on the couch, staring at my computer screen trying to figure out what type of jobs “I’m good enough” for.
Yes, I graduated as summa cum laden with a 3.99 GPA. Yes, I dedicated myself to learning all that I could and worked diligently in all of my projects. I drowned myself in them so that I would actually learn useful information and tactics to implement in a workplace. They always went beyond the requirements. I didn’t want a grade. I wanted to learn.
I’d start projects, research for hours, change topics midway because it didn’t seem authentic enough. I’d wake up at five in the morning to complete them and go to bed at 11 p.m. still working on them.
I made sure my ePortfolio looked and contained a digital image of myself. I can’t even keep track of how many hours I spent fixing it to create the perfect understanding of what I represent as an “Interdisciplinarian.” Every professor was looking for something unique.
I didn’t know what sleeping in was. I still don’t to be honest, unless you consider 8 a.m. to be the norm. I envy people who can though, how nice and peaceful it must be…
I would spent hours at a time drawing and painting until it looked accurate. I didn’t care how many times I needed to start over. I just knew I could do better. And so I did. I didn’t cut myself any slack. I continuously motivated and pushed myself to be the best I could be. I did it to the point of tear of frustration and passion. I wanted to be better. I needed to be. I wanted to prove to myself, my family, and the world that when I put my mind to something. I can do it. Yet, it seems worthless.
Just to dig the wound even deeper, I remember a couple of weeks prior to graduation I was just waiting for class to start. These two girls were talking about how stupid and worthless it was to get perfect grades. They essentially said how much better they were because they had focused on networking and meeting others. It reminded me of an article I had read before that just seemed to diminish all of the hard work I put into everything I do.
And so, here I am, and I’m not sure if the article was right or how amazing those girls life are now. I just know that I’m struggling and my life just seems to be at a stand still waiting for an opportunity. For a chance to prove myself and what it is I can do.